i love you

You're far away, very far. It's hard to deal with. Not being able to see you face to face. Not being able to touch you, to hold you. Not being able to sit and just watch you. Observe your little quirks and behaviors that i've grown to know so well. I won't be able to sit alone with you, and share my feelings and express myself to you. To hear your thoughts, opinions, and ideas. I won't be able to experience this things for a long time, and I know it will be hard. But I also know how much I care about you. I know this because you are in my every thought as I stumble through my day. Before I go to bed, when I wake up, and especially when I dream. I know that although we're so far apart, one day I will see your face again. One day I will be with you again. I think about it every day. I play it over and over in my head, different scenarios of you returning. What emotions I will feel, even how you will feel in my arms. I love you so much. I think I loved you from the very beginning when we first met, it just took me a while to fully understand my feelings and discover them. I'm in love with you, and i'm not scared of the future, because I can feel how strong it is.

I'm obsessed with the idea that i'm a total asshole, whether or not I actually am is a different story.

I convey a sometimes false image that i'm a total douchebag all the time for my own personal amusement and satisfaction which I don't understand.

Interesting

I often get random spurts of inspiration to write, and I feel that I only have so long to channel this before it leaves me so I am typing this with haste. This will be a stream of consciousness that I'm hoping will stay interesting as long as I am motivated to keep writing.

I think i've gotten over thinking that I'm somehow smarter or better than people to some capacity just because I think that I'm "different" in my thought process. Too many people are full of themselves and walk with a head full of arrogance and false confidence and "gracing" us lesser people with their presence. Because we're lucky that we get to be around them, they don't have to waste their time with us so we should treasure their time.

In other thought, im really not looking forward to college, not because of the feat of being along in a cruel world or anything, more of the whole starting over thing without any friends or people you know. It like taking off your clothes almost, or taking off your seatbelt, the level of comfort is just gone. I know i'll make friends but right now I'm really not super motivated to put forth the effort of trying to impress people or be sociable around new people. I love my friends too much to just have them disappear from my life in one instant, its not going to be a smooth transition. Everyone deals with this yet its so terrible, I don't understand.

I feel like I should take a year off of school to focus on figuring out what I really want to do with my life and work on things that I truly enjoy doing. Sometimes I feel like school, while it has "good intentions," gets people caught up in doing work and leaves very little time for people to really sit down and focus on their true interests. I feel like a year of removing myself from this fast-paced environment would do me well and would allow me to figure out what I want to do with myself. But unfortunately i'll be going to college for the next 4 years or so, hopefully I can settle in to my true self and learn a thing or two about who I really am. Today when I started looking for possibly roommates and talking to people, it really hit me that my childhood is coming to a close soon and high school and everything else is over.

All the time I spent complaining about school and "obligations" that I thought were tough seem really immature and foolish and I should have just lived in the present instead of trying to fly through everything. Now that its finally over I have tons of regrets, but i would assume everyone would have tons of regrets, just realizing these things is tough.

I sort of torn between two paths though, going to school and losing touch with my friends is a nightmare to me, but I suppose the experiences I will have will be worth it...I guess. As of right now I'm really pessimistic about going away to college, I don't like change. But what is the alternative? Stay in Thousand Oaks with the small group of people who are going to Moorpark? There really is no way out, and there will be a great deal of pain and suffering that I will have to get over.

My biggest fear I guess is losing touch with my friends, if I had it my way I would see them on a weekly basis for the rest of my damn life, but this is in not way realistic or possible. I don't want them to slowly slip away and be replaced by others, its just not the same. I know I will make friends and maybe even some really close ones that I will keep for years to come but I don't think you really have friends the same way you do in high school. I'm pretty sure I just quoted "Stand By Me," but if I did that shit is true. Its a shame that I have to be separated from them.

Even though I will visit them as frequently as I possibly can, they will have moved on and adapted into their new lives and hanging out wit them will not be the same as it used to be, and that honestly rips me apart inside.

I don't want new friends to be forced upon, I don't want to have to fake some fucking personality in order to make friends, but if I act like I do around my current friends im pretty sure nobody will understand me. So its really frustrating. I guess I will eventually get used to it, but getting used to something that you hate is worse than anything.

I'm done ranting for now, goodnight

.....

Why am I such an asshole? And more importantly, why do I enjoy being an asshole?

eh

College is approaching, everything is about to fall apart.

Genuine Thoughts

I've come to the realization that I really haven't truly posted anything really blog worthy in the many months that i've had this blog so I feel like now is the time to do so. I feel like I owe it to my blog to actually put down something that speaks about me and isn't simply rambling about hip-hop, cats, or the nfl, haha. But I almost feel like i've taken too long to come to this conclusion because all of my thoughts, ideas, feelings, and everything inside my head have been building and building and now there's almost too much to remember or even record in writing.

Sometimes I wish I would write down things that pop into my head so that I could remember them but I lack both the motivation and commitment to really put any kind of energy or effort aside to do that. I feel like I have a lot of time of my hands on a given day to think about things and run through different scenarios that either happened or I image happening. I often go through entire dialogues between myself and others just trying to create a blueprint for what I would say if it were to actually happen in real life. Maybe I stress a lot over what I will say to others so I feel the need to prepare ahead of time, this seems strange to me but nonetheless it is a part of who I am, im sure lots of people do the same.

A lot of the things that go on around me have strange effects on me as far as my thought process and how I go about doing things. I get a strange almost sick feeling in my stomach when I hear people discuss their own personal issues or the issues of others. It creates a feeling of tension and unease in the air that doesn't sit well with me and I feel like just running away from it. If I had a list of rules to follow, not getting involved in the issues of others would be damn near #1. Knowing another person's situation and issues rearranges my perspective of that person that I had previously built with my own personal knowledge of them, and adding these other elements causes things to get shook around and put all out of place. Like after I learn more about their problems I can't see them the same way.

I wish I could listen in on people when they talk about me, just so that I could get a better understanding of what I project onto others. All too often have glaring issues and flaws that they themselves are blind to but to others they are glaring and obvious. I wonder if I have any of those glaring flaws that I am completely oblivious of. I truly wish to understand them if I do and would have no problem if people made me aware of them. I'm not a person who is easily offended by others, I don't take things personally most of the time and I encourage everyone to be as open as they want around me because I do wish to know what your thoughts and feelings are. It also may be my acceptance of other's words that sometimes leads to me saying things without really considering the effect they may have on others. I need to keep in mind that not everyone takes things as lightly as myself.

See I already feel like i've put down quite a few thoughts yet its only the tip of the iceberg of things i'd like to express. I could literally go on for hours, maybe even days going through every little intricate corner of my brain, and explaining my thought process and justify my actions, yet that is really not possible at this point in time, or maybe period.

More than anything in the world I would like to fully understand how the minds of other individuals work, just to see things from their perspective and see the world the way they see it. Not necessarily to learn to be more accepting of other people's situations, but just to learn the reasons behind people's actions and understand their unique thought process and how their mind works. I feel like my mind works in the strangest ways and i'd be overjoyed to see what kind of things i'd discover if I went into the minds of others. Because only you can understand your own mind and the forces behind all of your feelings, instincts, and actions. I feel like understanding others completely would help clear up all of the little signals that all too often get misinterpreted whether it be the wording of a sentence, the tone of voice, a facial expression, or a hand gesture that may be taken for something it really isn't. Even in face to face one on one conversation its nearly impossible to see what is behind their words and what message they are trying to convey. I feel like so many issues stem from miscommunication or people interpreting something the wrong way. It's something that is completely natural and nobody is at fault, yet so many awful things can propagate from it. I see this as something completely unnecessary yet impossible to fix, because without TRULY understanding how somebody's mind works, there will always be things that get lost in translation and problems that arise.

But unfortunately that's just reality and something that all of us must deal with and accept. Being aware of these things is really the only thing that can partially help us deal with this.

I understand that I really have no business trying to preach my understanding of the human condition, so just consider this my opinion of something that I have picked up on. You can agree or disagree with me, these are not facts. I feel as though I could keep writing for days but I have to stop at this moment.