I often get random spurts of inspiration to write, and I feel that I only have so long to channel this before it leaves me so I am typing this with haste. This will be a stream of consciousness that I'm hoping will stay interesting as long as I am motivated to keep writing.

I think i've gotten over thinking that I'm somehow smarter or better than people to some capacity just because I think that I'm "different" in my thought process. Too many people are full of themselves and walk with a head full of arrogance and false confidence and "gracing" us lesser people with their presence. Because we're lucky that we get to be around them, they don't have to waste their time with us so we should treasure their time.

In other thought, im really not looking forward to college, not because of the feat of being along in a cruel world or anything, more of the whole starting over thing without any friends or people you know. It like taking off your clothes almost, or taking off your seatbelt, the level of comfort is just gone. I know i'll make friends but right now I'm really not super motivated to put forth the effort of trying to impress people or be sociable around new people. I love my friends too much to just have them disappear from my life in one instant, its not going to be a smooth transition. Everyone deals with this yet its so terrible, I don't understand.

I feel like I should take a year off of school to focus on figuring out what I really want to do with my life and work on things that I truly enjoy doing. Sometimes I feel like school, while it has "good intentions," gets people caught up in doing work and leaves very little time for people to really sit down and focus on their true interests. I feel like a year of removing myself from this fast-paced environment would do me well and would allow me to figure out what I want to do with myself. But unfortunately i'll be going to college for the next 4 years or so, hopefully I can settle in to my true self and learn a thing or two about who I really am. Today when I started looking for possibly roommates and talking to people, it really hit me that my childhood is coming to a close soon and high school and everything else is over.

All the time I spent complaining about school and "obligations" that I thought were tough seem really immature and foolish and I should have just lived in the present instead of trying to fly through everything. Now that its finally over I have tons of regrets, but i would assume everyone would have tons of regrets, just realizing these things is tough.

I sort of torn between two paths though, going to school and losing touch with my friends is a nightmare to me, but I suppose the experiences I will have will be worth it...I guess. As of right now I'm really pessimistic about going away to college, I don't like change. But what is the alternative? Stay in Thousand Oaks with the small group of people who are going to Moorpark? There really is no way out, and there will be a great deal of pain and suffering that I will have to get over.

My biggest fear I guess is losing touch with my friends, if I had it my way I would see them on a weekly basis for the rest of my damn life, but this is in not way realistic or possible. I don't want them to slowly slip away and be replaced by others, its just not the same. I know I will make friends and maybe even some really close ones that I will keep for years to come but I don't think you really have friends the same way you do in high school. I'm pretty sure I just quoted "Stand By Me," but if I did that shit is true. Its a shame that I have to be separated from them.

Even though I will visit them as frequently as I possibly can, they will have moved on and adapted into their new lives and hanging out wit them will not be the same as it used to be, and that honestly rips me apart inside.

I don't want new friends to be forced upon, I don't want to have to fake some fucking personality in order to make friends, but if I act like I do around my current friends im pretty sure nobody will understand me. So its really frustrating. I guess I will eventually get used to it, but getting used to something that you hate is worse than anything.

I'm done ranting for now, goodnight